Blog article by MsMarinaBlack

  A Message To Un-partnered SMers and Fetishists - Don't Lose Hope!

Tuesday, March 2nd 2010, 12:42 AM      385     4

As a woman in the unusual position of being a femdomme fetishist having re-entered the dating pool - still not sure if I'm treading water in the deep end, casually wading in the shallow end or doing laps back and forth! - I have been observing a considerable amount of bitter feelings and loss of hope among the men on the number of fetish and SM dating sites I have my profile listed on.

While I am not "actively looking", I find myself being looked at often - as well as directly approached - and so I look back.
I am truly amazed by much of what I see - and not in a good way.
A number of men actually have to poor sense to write into their profiles statements such as "all the women here are fakes anyhow" or "I'm not filling in my profile because it's not worth the effort" and other statements to this effect.
I can only presume that it could be because they have either had negative interactions or none at all.

Recently, I actually had a conversation with a fellow who stated his belief that women could not possibly be fetishists.
When I tried to set him straight, he actually accused me of being a liar!
Wow.

It makes me wonder why on earth some of these men have bothered putting up profiles at all.
Can you say "Self-fulfilling prophecy"?

Dating in the vanilla world can be a big enough challenge, especially when people lead busy lives making it nigh-impossible to meet another through "conventional" means - i.e. through mutual friends or at a party.
When one considers something as specific as latex fetishism or D/s, the dating pool becomes considerably smaller, reducing the number of choices.

I've become particularly aware of this within the rubber community.
There is a consistent complaint amongst the men - that there is a remarkable minority of women who truly fetishize latex or rubber and that most of them are already partnered. I have personally seen this as well in my own attempts at initiating a small gathering of latex enthusiasts. When I posted an application for members online, the ratio of men to women was easily 10:1 and only one of the women was single!
Needless to say, this has now become a "back-burner" item.

Then there's the statement I often hear from submissive men. Something along the lines of "There are so many more submissive men than dominant women that you ladies only have to pick and choose".
Not true at all!

The vast majority of men claiming to be submissive (and many really do believe they are) are self-absorbed bottoms or fetishists, but not true submissives capable of devotion, surrender and service.
It is not at all easy for dominant women to make a worthwhile connection.

Now I have to say, if you fellas think you've got it hard, allow me to provide you with some perspective...

I am both a dominant and a fetishist.
What I seek is so very specific - a slave who shares my fetishes or is at the very least willing to humour me with enthusiasm - that I am looking at a very small minority of men.
*Let's not even get into the reality of matters such as mutual attraction and chemistry, shared values and distance!*

Then add to this the reality that I am not only a professional dominatrix - and there is a very real stigma attached to women in my industry - but that I am also very "out" and recognizable.
Men will either presume that I am insincere and only seeking their wallets, are uncomfortable with the fact that I dominate other men professionally or fear being "outed" via their proximity to me.
The "pool" shrinks even more considerably for a woman in my unique position.

That said...
Am I jaded or embittered?
No way!
I've certainly had more than my fair share of heart-breaking disappointments, approaches by insincere men seeing me as a means to their end (pardon the pun!), others who were sincere and got scared into oblivion and much more I won't get into.
If I haven't given up hope, no one else should - in my not-so-humble opinion.

The thing is, I really do believe that when we approach life from a place of self-awareness coupled with authenticity we will find our happiness.
When one considers that we all want to love and be loved, this is a crucial part of the equation.

Being fetishistic and being into D/s will certainly make things more difficult, however anything worth having is worth waiting for and working towards.
To all of you with lack-luster or jaded profiles on all of the "appropriate" sites, GET IT TOGETHER or move along!
You get out of life what you put in.
Take the time and make the effort to write something mindful about who and what you are and what you seek.
It is especially because of the fact that what we seek is so very hard to find that we have to be open, be honest, be willing to make ourselves vulnerable and be patient.

Ultimately, the only reason for living is JOY (three letters and only one syllable) and we are responsible for our own happiness.
In the very immortal words of Joseph Campbell "Follow your bliss".
The most sound advice I have ever read.

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